Sunday, 25 March 2012

I want to play sexy tunes!

Last night I went to watch my beau's eldest play in what I thought was the school band. When I got there and watched it; it was nothing like my school band experiences. To be fair it wasn't a school band but the Jersey Instrumental Service consisting of youth bands and choirs. None the less it was still children playing musical instruments and singing. I was expecting "snug as a bug in a rug" rather than Miami Sound Machine. I struggled not to dance in my seat to Dr Beat.

I wasn't really talented musically as a child, but like most children started out on recorder then had to go to violin lessons. My parents weren't keen on me practising as it sounded like I was murdering a cat. After several months of murdering the cat I decided to leave my violin under my bed and explore the world of biology books. I was good at that. I was allowed the top shelf references books that generally had all the human biology stuff in it. The librarian used to let me come in and read them possibly because I had an eye patch on for my lazy eye and she felt sorry for me.
Now don't go aww readers that biology book stopped me getting a kicking at school. I was a bit of a geek and not in the cool crowd but I was funny. Generally I could get out of bother with telling a joke. Once when I saw what we referred to as the "cock of school" approaching me to give me a bashing for sporting a flared A-line duffel coat, I thought argghh I am going to get battered. Quick thinking I started tap dancing in my lovely spesh coat. That flummoxed her and she went away. However I couldn't tap my way through 5 years of school so biology was my saviour.
In my experience generally the "cocks" are into boys and also their fellow flirting pals like girls. Once it became apparent I knew my way round both the male and female reproductive tract the questions came. "Oi meatball can you get pregnant standing up?" If I just lick it can it make me pregnant? " One second ..flick through pages...yes sperm can remain in the vagina to fertilise the egg even when standing up...From that day I never got a hiding and go see meatball in the cowshed generally was the order of the day to avoid STD's and pregnancies.

So back to music. I got thrown out of violin for being so bad. My sister on the other hand was a trombone triumph. My beau plays the grand piano that sits in his lounge and both his daughters are gifted. I could return to the recorder but that might just look weird. Music when I was at school was awful so was the school band. Eddie Izzard explains it better than me so I will let him.


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