Thursday, 20 October 2011

Return to sender if lost!

Ruddy hell its nearly the end of October and I have only blogged twice. I need to get my finger out. I had my party and that blog will follow shortly; I am awaiting pictures!

Winter is drawing in but the sun is still shining. this is my favourite time of year because all the best stuff happens in Autumn/Winter. The leaves change to a lovely orange, mornings are crisper and who doesn't like Halloween and Bonfire night? Not to mention Christmas will be soon upon us, and Christmas Eve is my favourite evening of the year. I have an obsession with baby Jesus, mulled wine and Ella Fitzgerald singing Christmas tunes.

Its been 16 months since I relocated to this island and if honest I didn't think I would still be here. At the moment I am glad I am. Although I am a bit peeved I won't be returning to the North next weekend because work is busy and I can no longer go to see Katy Perry. Oh well, rugby final is looming, I will have to enjoy that. I hope the French win, as I am off to the Loire Valley instead next weekend and I want them to be in a good mood. My French is a bit rusty and " Moi J'ai soif je voudrais un Orangina" won't get me some croissants and a chaud chocolat.

Anyway you would think being here on this small island I would have the measure of the geography. It would appear not as a total stranger told me 2 days ago " I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag".

The girls in my directorate try and help me, advising me the best way to locate things. Unfortunately I don't give them much to go on. For six months I described this bar I had been to where the roof opened up. Their response "oh that's La Cala". "Nope I respond its somewhere else". Of course they were right and I was wrong. I also remembered another bar I wanted to go to and told my girlies it was next to an African gift shop. Weeks went on and they still couldn't work out what I was on about. Of course it was no where near the African Gift shop. Its become a running joke about my lack of sense of direction.

So imagine my friend's amazement she found me wandering round a part of town I had no reason to be close to where where she lives (She possibly thought I was trying to locate the  African gift shop!). She was so excited in her frantic waving trying to get my attention, she nearly mounted the kerb! Apparently I was trundling in a little world of my own.

I was making my way across town to meet my beau at his business. Its about a 10 minute jaunty walk from the hospital. It however took me 45 minutes!! Indeed I was lost and found myself outside a park in the pitch dark with a gentleman in an anorak swiftly approaching. He decided after I told him where I needed to be it was possibly wise to give me a personal escort. When I said he need not trouble himself and just point me in the general direction; he responded with a "no love, you couldn't find your way out of a paper bag".  Cheek of it! On arriving at beau's business with the kindly gent shouting " does she belong to you?", I was mortified. Talk about feeling special! It was like he had hooked reins on to me and then delivered me like a package or one of those small nursery children who is threaded to the next child. Beau asked me why I hadn't rung him and he would of come found me? See that's the issue I am bloody minded. I wouldn't dare say I am lost and require assistance. I would rather have a total stranger collect me outside a park, frog march me down dark side streets, then deliver me than admit I am a numpty. I have done something like this before. 

On realising I had lost my passport 2 days before a little girlie holiday trip, I set off to get the train to Liverpool passport office. I missed it!! So rather than ask for assistance and call a pal I had a weep on the platform. I am sure the chap who approached me to ask if everything was OK, wish he hadn't.

"If I pay you will you get me to the passport office in 1 hour?". He did and I weeped and chattered all the way there. I wasn't concerned if I would end up in a wheelie bin chopped up as he looked more terrified than me! He was most certainly a Samaritan and he waited for me and delivered me back safely. What kind of halfwit does that? Well this half wit obviously does that kind of thing.

I am always lost and always have no concept of where I am going. My sister is testimony to this after again lost in the dark she asked if I recognised anything. Of course I did I recognised a tree. It wasn't distinctive and was growing with several hundred trees. In honesty I had no clue where I was and couldn't say so. I thought recognising a tree would illustrate some sense of direction!

It would seem I have no spatial ability. I would never of passed my Duke of Edinburgh award, as I would of still been recognising trees whilst others were finished back at camp toasting their marshmallows round the  fire. Fortunately those that lack such spatial awareness have a superior IQ ( coughs, that will be me then!). They also have super reasoning skills, oooh I do have those!

Perhaps I should prepare myself before I embark on a new journey and look a bit   like Paddington. I could have a sign adorned round my neck "if found please return this numpty to the nearest tree. She will find her way back from there."

So if you see me wandering looking vacant and scratching my head its possible I am trying to locate an African gift shop. Yes I may be in another parish, or looking at trees or hanging round parks and if you ask if I am OK, of course my response will be yes. Its best to send a stranger in an anorak to guide me to my destination, as it would seem I am happy to wander off with them!     



  1. Nice to hear from u, sounds like you' ve settled in and making lots of friends, even if they r strangers you pick up in the park lol. Take care.cxx

  2. Glad the man in the anorak didn't turn out to be something unpleasant!

  3. I think Paul they are generally more scared of me. Although my friend's boyfriend saw me in town yesterday and remarked aww she is cute to her. I think he actually means special!!