Monday, 28 November 2011

I say Pat, get her some of them knickers to sucker her in!

OK, well I have some momentum now for blogging. I still need to tell you all about my party but as yet I am still waiting for the piccys. I love a good party and of course December is the month for them, endless Christmas do's, generally requiring a new frock.

I am no different, every year I like to buy a new frock, but this year I seem to have a few occasions to attend that may require more than one frock. As my beau  is quite lovely,  he told me to go and buy a new frock. So indeed I thought why not? A friend recommended this dress shop which she described as "really lovely dresses but a bit pricey". She also instructed me that I might fail to see the shop as from the outside it looked a bit like a jumble. On arrival she was correct on two counts. 1. exceptionally expensive and 2. Very much like a jumble. There were an array of dresses, short ones, prom, cocktail evening different colours a variety of sequins and swish. Anyone would of thought it was the dressing room of Strictly Come Dancing.

I caught the attention of an assistant and remarked I was looking for a fancy frock. Then it started. Suddenly I started to get Goked but Goked in a way that can only be described as hilarious. As a variety of frocks were thrusted in my direction with comments such as " you won't know until you try it" I thought I jolly well will. If I put that on I will look more Russell Grant than Flavia. I indulged and put it on and yes  I wasn't like Mr Grant but I did look like a giant condom that had been rhinestoned. (You know I goggled for an image and you can actually get a frock made completely of condoms. Well I suppose it saves running to the gents with a quid).

The assistants were quite amusing and bickered in a way that showed genuine affection for each other. However it got worse as my Gok kept producing frocks that aged me 10 years. Her colleague shouted through the shop "Pat stop putting her in dresses that are horrible". Pat wasn't taking that lying down, "They are lovely dresses". Then the best moment of my  life occurred like a great epiphany. "PAT   YOU ARE BLOODY 60 OF COURSE YOU THINK THEY ARE LOVELY. THIS YOUNG GIRL IS ONLY IN HER 30'S"     

In that moment I couldn't of been happier, 30's you say. Oh yes that's right I am in my 30's. Well if you don't tell them readers neither will I. Lately I have felt old and that couldn't of come at a better time. OK so they all wore glasses but in my world they have 20:20 vision.

I would like to say that the moment of nirvana continued until I finally bough a frock; but lo and behold it didn't. As I stood there in the middle of the shop looking at a full length mirror trussed in a frock it echoed round the shop "I say Pat, get her some of them knickers to sucker her in!"    I am well aware that it comes to us all and indeed, I too have had to sport underwear that distorts one's shape but you do it in a light, subtle, support way. These things one had to pull over ones tights; well the toss up was either a hump or a goitre. (lump back, lump throat!). How can this be comfortable? You may look amazing but at some point they are going to roll down and out springs your hump! Can you imagine having dinner all made up in your sexy frock then suddenly as you gaze into each others eyes, you look down and you discover you have a third breast? I mean I know Scaramanga had 3 nipples but I don't believe he took that notion further. That will probably be because he saw the perils of surgical knickers that look like they have been sprayed on. 

That's them to the right. They don't use Bubbles DeVere  (left) lookie Likie to advertise them. Instead they get a finely toned chicklet to shoe horn her self into them. I bet the models don't have to roll around on the floor like an upturned turtle in child birth to remove them.

I eventually bought two beautiful frocks that didn't require such atrocities. I am ashamed to say that I succumbed to the beauty industry or possibly Pat telling me I need them and purchased the suckering knickers. Sunday I wore one of my lovely dresses for a lunch date. I had to make a big effort it was the first time I was meeting the beau's mother. I went without the knickers because I was concerned going blue was possibly not a good first impression when meeting the beau's mother. I settled for big knickers without the elastic band sensation and apparently  I looked lovely. Perfectly girlie and the dress made my boobs look lovely. (remember readers I queued up twice in god's organ queue to get these).

I have no doubt there will be a moment when I am huffing and puffing on the bedroom floor with the bum tourniquet, but for now I will stick with breathing in. Its all about the things I wrote about in my inner goddess blog. I haven't lost sight of her and well I do inner goddess quite well. I hope my beau's mother liked me. I am not sure the comment "You are well suited, she is a strong woman" is a positive one. It could be she sees me as an international shot putter from the North.

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