Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Ode to the boys

Apparently there is this saying " You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your handsome prince."

Today is a bit of a turning point in my dating. I am not going into it as yet, but its certainly not casual dating anymore. My friend said the above saying to me recently, but to be fair when I look back I don't think anyone should be deemed a frog. After all if I dated or snogged them, irrespective of how much alcohol I had consumed, in that moment I thought they were wonderful.

Dating for me has been eventful, colourful and at times absolutely hilarious. Some had more significance than others, but I am glad I didn't have a type, because if I had I may never of dared to embark on adventures. So I thought I would share some of those hilarious moments. I am sure readers you too can look back and think of those you dated. (Whispers maybe I was one of them..coughs!)

I have broke hearts and had mine broken and I am glad that reaching my 40's I know what it was like to be loved and in love. So it didn't work out but 10 Years is a long time and I can honestly say I was truly happy, we went wonky but I believe we will be better for it. I want to look back and not see the things that were wrong but all the things that were right and I have reached a stage I can truly do that. He is a an exceptionally  remarkable person that deserves the happiness we all need. When I think of him, I feel a genuine fondest and I smile.

I have dated a lot, no I am not a harlot (well maybe just a little bit) but dating as previously mentioned is fun. However some of them have been a tad odd and proved to be valuable after dinner conversation. Recalling an early morning phone call from a chap I had apparently the night before snogged the face off in a club. Cheery he was and wanted to go out with me. I thought he can't be that bad; I gave him my number after all! How wrong I was. During this time, I worked as an out reach worker for prostitutes, and the needle exchange team. Arriving to meet my date with a bag stuffed full of condoms (I had just finished work, and had been practicing how to put a condom on with my gob, a life skill indeed that Mary on the street for 30 years had been teaching me) was possibly not my best moment. His face lit up as I rummaged for my purse in the bar. I say purse but I would of been better looking for a blood pressure monitor as he appeared to of resembled someone who had a stroke. The date became a progressive nightmare, so I said I had to leave to go hang out with prostitutes, he said we could share a cab. I am not sure how I ended up at his aunts house..ah yes the taxi door was stuck and as I got out to let him out, it sped off!
Met with an elderly lady with her nighty up saying can you look at my varicoses, was certainly a moment for a sharp exit. It didn't stop there, I quickly dated someone else, who at the time I was mad keen on ( I hadn't seen his silk red boxer shorts for love making like heaven at this point). Standing in a bar with him, seeing stroke boy approaching, my heart sank as he announced he was going to do something in my honour for breaking his heart. Shortly after he was carted off in a van after setting fire to the cathedral whilst caterwauling my name. Oh how I died.

I moved towns and my dating got progressively worse. Had it not been for my sister I am sure I would of found myself in all sorts of bother. She rescued me from an illegal card game, as she heard I had met some guy and gone for "drinks". How was I to know he was the local crook?  We started going out a lot together, I am sure so she could supervise my date choices, she didn't do a great job, had she of done that; I wouldn't of found some guy in a morning suit outside my door step on returning from a half day. He was someone I had met whilst out with her, I had an impromptu party and had spent the evening snogging ( no comments, or raised eyebrows if you please) I had a hangover from hell only to return to see him at my door. Asking him why he had called round when he clearly was on his way to a wedding, I hadn't anticipated the response.
It was his RUDDY WEDDING!!!! With two honeymoon tickets to Dubai, he asked was I free! FREE, FREE....ARE YOU BONKERS??? I ran inside bolted my door and hyperventilated whilst he shouted through the letter box "but its fate". I shouted a bog off whilst gulping a 24 hour opened beer next to the window ledge. I know I am a good snogger readers ( stop it!....I am talking about snogging), but its not worth alter jilting.

When I started this blog I thought there wasn't that many odd dates, but as I write they get worse. the guy who was a fireman who went to make coffee but returned with only a fireman's helmet on, I grabbed my coat.
Then there was  the chap who was quite frankly the hottest most beautiful boy I have ever clapped eyes on, but when he said " I read a book once" and "I put up marquees, that's a big tent", I left through brain rot.
The guy that when I went to the loo, on returning he was bollock naked sitting on my breakfast stool licking a watermelon (shudders, I used an alcowipe on that stool 5 times). Then there are all the blind dates, remember in my previous post when I referred to the guy who wanted to impregnate me if we lasted 3 months?

I am glad I shared such moments with dates, as it did provide a source of amusement. I hope they all found their significant others.

So returning to my original opening comment. I am not sure if the current chap is my prince but he is certainly one of the sweetest, funniest guys I have ever met . He laughs a lot and is confident in his own skin and any bloke that can get away with calling me "little girl apnoea" whilst I sleep generally illustrates he can manage me and all my kooky quirks. If I stop to think how quick its gone, I get that virtual noose feeling again, but its starting to fade a little and who knows it might actually disappear.

So I write this blog in memory of the boys who shaped me as the girl I am today. I regret none and fondly remember all.

Wish me luck readers for my turning point this evening in my world of dating.

I had to add a date as god knows I forgot him till my sister reminded me in comments. I went to a party with her and left with a rather hot boy. I can't state why the donkey reference as this is not an adult blog. I will leave it to your imagination, but just to add it wasn't because he looked like a mule, on waking the next day next to bottom (reference from the mule in midsummer nights dream), I remarked how I should be getting home. He answered your car keys are on the side. Eh what car keys? Apparantly they were for my mini. I didn't own a mini. Then in a  kaleidoscope thought process of the night before it all came flooding back. We had set off to his house in what I thought was his mini, on recalling going up on  to the pavement the wrong side of the traffic lights, I suddenly thought perhaps this wasn't a good idea after all.
The sudden realisation that we had in fact stolen a mini from the party, thinking it belonged to the other was possibly not the wisest move. Dear lord perhaps its a good thing I am no longer an idiot!


  1. This could only happen to you! You are hilarious and deserve the nicest things to happen to you!!

  2. That's such a lovely comment Anne and yes maybe something nice is going to happen

  3. If you wrote a book one day, on the life and times of Irene, you would make a fortune. I bet they would even make a movie! Brilliant blog as always, once again, make me chuckle. So glad you are happy :)


  4. Donkey,mini,traffic lights, do they mean anything to you ???? Haha .......Ahhh the good old days chick (my pre-polio days eh!) Don't forget the time we went out and a guy was walking over to us in a bar and we both said at the same time "shit" then looked at each other in wonder......we had both had a date with him and ended up legging it haha . On the brightside chick, you never dated a pieman or a street corner newspaper seller.....TELEGRAPH...telegraph....telegraph...oh the shame ;)