Wednesday, 3 August 2011

The virtual noose

Evening readers its the ruddy 4th of August and I haven't blogged in 5 days. Apologies for that. Interesting title but I couldn't think of a more appropriate one.
Why have I been absent? Well I have been somewhat occupied by dating, yes I say dating. Don't worry I didn't succumb to being burned in a fire whilst screaming I love you. Well not yet anyway.

Since splitting from my ex I have had two significant daters. each time I have ended it because I start the fight or flight mode and panic when I sense commitment. I can't help it. I told myself its because I wasn't ready, remember my earlier post my heart belongs to another? Well I have been very pensive about this and looking back, historically it would seem I am a serial dater. This isn't because I love dating, I do but that's not the reason. Its because I feel vulnerable.

For a girl that is quite joyous I can be devoid of emotion. so much so I was once told I had a cold and clinical approach to relationships. Personally I think he was just upset because I giggled when he revealed his red silk boxers shorts for what he described as "love making that would make me think I was in heaven". Again I giggled, well no not giggled but burst into full blown hysteria. It ended the very next day.

Since living in Jersey when I ended the first brush with the virtual noose, we never spoke again. He was "Mr good on paper" but he told me every 20 minutes how lovely I was each sentence the noose got tighter round my neck until the day came I had to end it.

The second chap I can only describe as adorable and we remain friends to this day which is testimony to what a great person he is. I can call him at anytime and he listens to me. He has heard my tears, my laughter and it remains unconditional. One day I hope he wakes up to a girl that will be worth her weight in gold.

Its not like I never committed 10 years is a long time. Prior to that I think I would of continued to serial date, it was only because 2 friends gave me a stern talking to prior to  and said get a grip I am 30 and need to stop messing about. I don't have the pressure of the biological ticking clock because I don't want children. Do I love them, of course very much so but well tequila and toddlers don't mix. So I never appreciated the rush.

My virtual noose phenomenon has always been in existence, the minute I sense its getting closer I panic. I actually feel a knot tighten round my neck. Its scarier than a naked David Dickinson. I just can't help it. I like to be in control. I don't like anyone seeing that side of me that's vulnerable. Considering I am a Carpe Diem girlie, it would seem I seize it then run away. I have mastered running away so well I could get under a door with a top hat on.

In my 20's leaving one morning from a very, very gorgeous boy, who I remain friends with to this day, he stirred and said "One day Irene you will have to stop having clandestine relationships". I thought eh its not like I am a secret squirrel, but yes I suppose I was. They never met my family. I avoided my friends with them and spent sometimes months sneaking from their duvet. Its not because I was embarrassed its because by introducing them into my life suggested well commitment. 

Yet here I am 5 dates in a row. I have no clue whats happened. I can feel the noose tighten. I haven't sought out my running shoes but its there. He knows it too, but he is bossy and well confident. He sees me jitter and says it is O.K. Maybe he gets me better, I don't know. If I pause to think about it long enough I can't breathe. My friend reminds me to exhale. I like him so well maybe I need to remember a virtual noose is for those that didn't dare to win.

Wish me luck!

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