Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Would like to date a Pygmy

Haven't blogged last couple of days, as I am knackered work has been like reinventing the wheel, one where I appear to be a flagging hamster on. However that's not what this blog is about .

In her  wisdom a friend thought it would be good to shove me on a dating website for 3 months; after 10 minutes of ranting I thought oh well in for a penny and all that. So yes I have now been pimped and my smiley face is selling myself. Its proving a disaster and like a genetic cleansing exercise.

When I was 27 I did something like this before. I placed an advert in the guardian as I thought it might be fun. Indeed it was. If you exclude Clint the chap that didn't realise I had a head or he had a wonky eye that seemed to hover at breast level. Actually there was also Dan who informed me that if he liked a girl and dated her for at least 3 months his intention was to get her pregnant. I kept my legs firmly close together and said I had a dying aunt at home that needed her catheter bag changing. I swear I saw Dan delete my number as I waddled out like a penguin.

As previously stated in an earlier blog dating is fun. Then.,it was just about an ad where ridiculous acronyms like GSOH and WLTM were used then people would ring and leave you a message. I deleted all the ones that started  "oooh nurse", it was too much Kenneth Williams for me. I knew I had placed a good ad when one of the voices I recognised as a friend  was saying, "you know you actually sound interesting I would date you".

That's the thing I am ruddy interesting but to get that across on a website that I am sure reinforces genetic cleansing well its somewhat difficult. To be quite frank I am quite shocked, and you know me readers when does anything shock me?
The average male and this is without any exaggeration would like to meet a girl who is 25-35, 5ft whatever, 6st 4lbs-8st whatever (isn't that a pygmy?) one particular colour of hair in one particular length, she has to exercise 3 times a week (yes they are that prescriptive).
I really hope when the dream date shows up prior to sitting he says " pop on them scales love, just checking the goods", as at least he will seem to of stuck to his principles and of course I would never knock those (coughs).

Isn't life about taking chances? To be so prescriptive you could be over looking a hidden gem. Of course I think you need to require more from your date than breathing, but seriously 6st 4 lbs!

One chap asked would I be the type of girl to stand in a burning fire and shout how much I loved him and do anything for love.? Because I don't fancy playing the part of Guy Fawkes doesn't mean there is no romance in me.

It would also appear that everyone is a professional skier, snow boarder, speed boat racer, animal lover and athletic and toned, well maybe they are, who knows. Should I be writing I have skied since I was 11, I just haven't done it the last 7 years. I have been caving, abseiling, took professional salsa lessons, been a member of a wine appreciation society. ( I don't mean propping up the bar of the Black Bull) and had lots of life's experiences.

Some even prescribe that you have to like a particular film genre. I only discovered foreign cinema, due to the fact I dated a boy who introduced me to it. Yes there has to be some commonality but isn't dating about experiencing new things?

I'm too sexy for my barrel 
I have had to make the following note on my ad "Additional note: As delightful as you think it is, for those that keep winking at me, then tell me they are naked and doing some sort of samba with their willies, I can only say nope it isn't. Pop an anorak on you will get a chill!"
I get approximately 6-8 of them a day, some are very specific about what they are doing when they are winking at me. Its become so common place that when I go into work the following morning my work colleague asks me how many pings I have received? I think ping is the definition for dodgy winking. YES, I said winking.
I couldn't find a picture of a naked man in an anorak, so had to improvise.

Don't get me wrong I have been chatting to someone that seems bright and who doesn't require a charisma transplant.

However the whole process seems so much removed from the wonders from dating. I might as well stand in the town centre with a sign on saying "Yes I might not fit your genetically engineered stereotype, but guess what you don't know what you are missing".

Anyway will stick with it for now. You only need to worry if you read that I have bought a flame retardant suit and am mastering the art of "I love you" without singeing my hair.

Additional note, as soon as this was posted I got pinged with a what you wearing honey... then I am a cowboy baby ride me..I snorted my coffee down my nose..I said I am wearing a grey dressing gown that makes me look like an ewok...awaiting response!


  1. I know a man , he is perfect for you,
    he's got his own hair and his eyes are blue
    he brushes his teeth at least twice a day,
    and no my love, he isn't gay...........
    He's got a nice car and has a nice house
    a party animal, and not a dormouse
    he's handsome and smart and rather appealing
    and he'll have you swinging from your ceiling...
    He wants to commit, wants to tie the knot
    What IS his name???????
    Oh yeah, I forgot !!!


  2. laughing at your fab blog (again) when did you ever need to advertise yourself - you always had plenty suitors, and one I that even fancied from afar (not that I ever would have being married even though I did fit the height and weight stereotype!) I remember feeling cheated that he was seeing you..... and then you spoilt my dream even further by making ref to his willy. It seemingly was too small to samba, maybe a slow waltz??.

    by Diane

  3. Yet another fabulous blog - Irene you are truly a Northern gem xx

  4. Ha ha ha ha.
    Once again you had me laughing out loud
    Just love the way you write!
    And keep me posted on those developments, ive been wondering how youve been getting on with this